Right now, my comfort zone is my Shifters world. I feel like I really know what I’m doing there. I know who exists there, who’s gone extinct because of their own stupidity (werewolves, anyone?), what’s already happened, what needs to happen, what’s not gonna happen, and exactly where all the puzzle pieces fit together.
To be fair, I’m also very comfortable in Kaylee’s world. (
Both of her worlds, actually.) But my Soul Screamers books still hold some surprises for me, and I’m finding out that sometimes bumbling around is just as much fun as knowing where you’re going. I’m comfortable bumbling around with Kaylee.
But I was not comfortable writing
My Soul to Lose. Not at all. And I put myself in that situation on purpose.
Masochism? Maybe. But the truth is that mediocrity and stagnation are my worst fears. And sometimes (not always, but sometimes), getting comfortable means that I’m no longer challenging myself, which means I’m no longer moving forward. And if you’re not moving forward, you’re falling behind. So sometimes I challenge myself just to see if I can take it. Sometimes I challenge myself for the good of the story.
With
My Soul to Lose, it was both.
To understand what I’m going to write next, you have to know this:
My Soul to Lose is the prequel to my Soul Screamers novels, and it tells about the time Kaylee Cavanaugh was hospitalized in a psychiatric unit because of her brutal panic attacks. This happens about a year before the first novel opens. It’s only 16,000 words long. And it was the single most difficult thing I ever wrote.
After I finished the first version of the story, I sent it out to several valued beta readers, and I got different reactions/advice—all of it brilliant—from each one. But
Chandra wrote something I’d honestly never considered. She wrote:
Part of the horror of the story builds on that question of whether or not [Kaylee] is hallucinating, because even without the supernatural angle, this is terrifying. Teens feel so pressured and studied and observed. They fear making a mistake. Kaylee's lost control of herself through no fault of her own. […] There is nothing she can do. Also, she's so alone for most of the story.Chandra summed up in just a couple of sentences what I wasn’t able to put my finger on. Then I realized why this story made me so uncomfortable.
I am a woman of many fears. Most people know I’m truly terrified of tornados and of large cats. (No, it’s not irony. It’s therapy. ;-)) I’m also unreasonably afraid of bees, wasps, and hornets. In fact, in junior high, one “friend” used to terrify me by throwing dead wasps (from the windows at the back of the class) at me. Seriously.
But as an adult, one of my worst fears is being falsely imprisoned. Too many Lifetime movies, back in college? Probably. How else was I supposed to put off my homework? But I’ve always found the complete loss of one’s freedom absolutely terrifying. And, in looking back, maybe that’s why Faythe wound up in a cage. (Wow. A book set in tornado alley, about big cats and the loss of freedom. How did I not see that before?)
Anyway, Kaylee has it much worse, in my opinion. She wakes up in a psychiatric hospital, which (after considerable research) I discovered can feel much like a prison. With a mental illness bonus!
But my point is that writing
My Soul to Lose took me so far outside my comfort zone that you can’t even see comfort from the place I wound up.
I turned in the official, revised copy of the short story yesterday, and so now I wait for an opinion from my editor. But it’s the opinions (and reactions) from readers that I’m really nervous about/anxious for.
My Soul to Lose should make you horrified for Kaylee and intensely curious about her world. It should make you cry for her, and fear for her, and finally cheer for her. And it should make you want to follow her on her journey.
Will it?
Ask me again on July 1. ;-)